// stephoh!//

just like Chantal said, sorry we haven’t posted in a while ):

but today, i just kinda wanted to talk about something that’s been on my heart for a long time.

ever since i was young, one of my biggest wishes was that my mom and i would have a very close bond with each other through thick and thin, and that she would always be by my side to support me when i most needed it. but when i got into college, i saw that wish slowly becoming something that was impossible to reach.

i realized that since i became a Christian and began building this relationship with God, the further i was drifting away from my mom. this really broke my heart. at the time, it seemed as though no matter what i did, no matter how hard i tried, i would always lose. if i decided to quit God, i would be closer to my mom which is what i’ve always wanted…if i chose God, i would most likely lose my relationship with my mom. i’ll admit. i almost quit God. i didn’t want to…but at the time i felt like i could only choose one side…and i figured life was way easier and less stressful when i had no beef with my mom. and thought if i just went back to my previous lifestyle, everything would be alright. so i thought of quitting God.

even though i thought of quitting God for about a month, i couldn’t bring myself to it. it was like i was automatically drawn to Him. i just couldn’t stop learning more about Him. and it was a true blessing. i was a counselor at Theophilus this year and i was pretty nervous in the beginning, but it turned out to be a great experience! but what hit me most was when we had chat rooms, or seminars. i decided to go to one that focused on what our barriers were to coming close to God. we all wrote individual letters to God in the chat room and the first thought that came into my mind was automatically my mom.  While writing my letter, i could just feel tears welling up in my eyes just because it broke my heart so badly that out of all things that could be sacrificed, it’d be my mom…

one thing i did VERY differently that day that i hadn’t done before was pray to God and really surrender all things to Him. i don’t know why i didn’t do it sooner. but i did it that day. and the girls in the chat room all got together and shared what they wrote as their barriers. it was very encouraging to me to pray for one another. and from that moment, instead of carrying my own burdens, i lifted them up to God with faith that He would do something about it.

after that weekend, i came home and my mom asked to go out to lunch. during lunch, she brought up the topic of religion. i was shocked. we NEVER talk about religion. ever. but she asked me what i thought and my opinion on it. i was able to share with her my feelings on cultivating a relationship with God and how i really gained so much benefit from it. she listened with an open heart, which i believe is God’s doing. (thank you God) and agreed that if it’s what i wanted i could do it, but under one condition which was to not tell her about it. although the one condition was kinda upsetting to me, i couldn’t complain. her opening her heart to listen to me was way more than i could ever ask for. And as a result, i’ve been able to be more open with her and our relationship has grown stronger than ever since about a little more than a year ago. (: now i guess it’s safe to say it’s a WIN WIN FOR ME!!! :D

God works in miraculous ways. He taught me not to rely on my own self to solve my problems but to really surrender them all to Him. before when i thought of quitting God, i realize now i hadn’t prayed ONCE. but when i finally prayed to Him at Theo and really surrendered everything to Him, leaving everything in His care, He took care of it!

Never underestimate God’s miraculous works (:

so the post rally was yesterday and for some reason while singing up with the crowd of people the only person that kept tugging on my mond was my older brother. and ive had such a strong bitter grudge towards him and many times i could honestly say that i had hated him. it was strange because ever since he left for college ive managed to cut him out of my mind and many times i even forgot i had an older brother.
so while singing i felt myself say to myself (weird yes) “forgive” and my heart just shut those words out. I honestly dont want to forgive him. i honestly want to keep hating him. i honestly want to forget him completely. i mean we have an okay relationship sometimes but the majority of the time i hate him so much. its like an anger bubbling uo inside me when i look at him, when i hear of him.
theres so many things that i hate about him yet i realize how similar i am to him as well. and i hate that. so much hate, i know. im trying to be really conscious of my own actions and not be something like matt to my younger brother.
strange as it was, i wanted to cry all throughout postrally because of this conflict in my heart. theres so many pent up feelings inside that i cant take anymore. and god keeps telling me to forgive and forgive but its just so hard. i cant do it.
ironically, this morning matt coicidentally decides to come back home. and i cant even bear to look at him. i thought about it and i guess the reason why its hard for me to just forgive him is that because if i just forgive him, he’ll continue to just act the way he is. so its just me forgiving all the time and him still being the same person.
i already know that this is going to be an extremely hard journey for me to take on but i also know God wants me to forgive and move on. i just dont think im ready for it yet.

i dont even know why im writing this…just to get it off my chest i guess…but God works in so many amazing ways…i guess i just have to trust him.

hope everyone is doing well :) sorry there havent been any posts for the longest time… -Chantal

true satisfaction doesn’t come from approval from peers, friends, or your family. true satisfaction comes from approval from God and knowing He loves us unconditionally for who we are.

// wow…i accidentally posted this on my personal blog…LOL//

hey guys. so i’m currently stressing about my midterm that i have to take in approximately an hour and a half. BUT. i decided to blog…haha….don’t judge. i need a break. 

so exactly one week ago, i wasn’t in a very good mood. i was tired, down, lonely, and really didn’t want to go anywhere. but that day was a thursday, and that’s when we have our EPIC meetings….i was thinking of not going. i didn’t know if anyone would care that i wasn’t there or even notice. so i just lay in bed and hoped i’d feel better by resting. 

i have the bible app on my phone and on one of my homescreens it gives the bible verse of the day. usually i’ll just read the verse but today, i tried something new. there’s an option for you to listen to the entire chapter of the verse they show you for that day. so i decided to listen to the chapter. that day they read a chapter from Jeremiah (i’m blanking out on the exact chapter) but it was talking about the nation of Israel and God. God was telling the Israelites to keep the sabbath. Basically, if they obeyed God, He would be sure that their nation would flourish for eternity and that other powerful surrounding nations would protect them from any danger. However, if they disobeyed Him, He would put the whole nation into slavery in a nation they’ve never heard of. so basically…they’d be screwed. 

when i read this, my immediate thought was “isn’t that a little harsh?” but the more i thought about it, the more i came to appreciate God’s love. is it not true that God gave us so much already? just starting with basics. He gave us life, family, friends, nature, animals, etc. and on TOP of that, He gave us Jesus, His only begotten son to come down to this imperfect world and die for our sins so that we have the hope of having a connection with God and being with him in heaven. it’s like we have a debt of a million dollars and someone who barely knows us personally pays every cent of our debt FOR us. would we not be so thankful to the point that we’d be willing to do almost anything for that person? it’s not like after our debt is paid, if the person asks us if we could do one small favor for him, we’ll be irritated and frustrated that they keep asking us to do things for them. we’d most likely do it out of gratitude right?

similarly, God has done SO MUCH for us. and in Jeremiah, it said that on top of everything He had already done for human kind, ON TOP OF THAT, if the Israelites would follow His commandment, He would reward them MORE with the incomparable gift of having a nation that would be flourishing with life forever! that just really amazes me. God’s blessings have no limits. He is really good. 

oh yeah, my friend ended up texting me around the time the meeting started that night making sure i was coming. i had already been encouraged by Jeremiah and was reassured that i wasn’t forgotten LOLLL. and i’m sooo glad i went. i just feel like God really is there for me, through my brothers and sisters in Christ and His Word, letting me read/hear what i need to at the right times. 

so yeah…

anyways…

GOTTA GET BACK TO STUDYING IF I DON’T WANNA FAIL :D D:

wish me luck…..

stephanieee

// worship and praise.//

we all feel God more in different ways.

for me it’s through singing praise.

i grew up in a Christian family. my parents were involved in the choir and my dad would lead praise nights every wednesday for the elderly. sometimes i would join him. as for me, since i was so young, the worship team for our youth group had me flip pages for the projector. (yeah….projector girl LOL) but i remember there was a girl on the worship team who sang. i looked up to her like an older sister and decided that i wanted to be a singer on the worship team also when i grew up. but ever since our family was severely damaged by the church, i felt myself forcefully pulled away from that dream. i was so young, so i will admit that i don’t believe i knew everything behind worship, i just wanted to be up there like the girl i always looked up to.

but now

that dream has hit me even harder this time, and now i know why i want to do it. 

at the beginning of this school year, i went to a praise night. i only knew that we would be singing praises for a long time. but i was kind of excited for it! just the sound of praise night brought up some excitement in me. but that night, i felt something i didn’t expect to feel at all. singing some of the songs brought out feelings i had been concealing in my heart and sometimes it brought out feelings i never even known i had. i was feeling so many things at the same time. i felt like i wanted to break down and cry, but at the same time i felt happy, comforted, loved, and felt God just touching my heart. and from that moment, i always kept it in my mind that one day, i wanted to join worship team. 

but i wanted to make sure i was doing it for the right reasons. so i prayed and constantly though of reasons why i wanted to be part of worship.

1. i wanted to make sure i wasn’t on some high.

2. i didn’t want to do it for my own selfish pride.

i thought and prayed about this for months and moths. literally. and finally at conference, i feel like i finally confirmed the reasons why i want to be on worship. 

1. i especially felt God when i was singing.

2. worship helped me to express my feelings and love towards Him.

3. i wanted to share these same feelings i had with others because honestly, that feeling when you feel God so close when you’re praising Him is one of the best feelings. ever.

so i finally confronted some of the people i knew who could help me in reaching this goal of mine and let’s just say, i can see that in time, this dream of mine will become reality. (: still praying.

STEPHANIE. :D

(Source: because-he-loved)